Someday, Somehow, my kids will leave home. I know that I will be sad when it all comes to an end and I'm home alone. Yes, alone. You know as well as I do that Kim will be on the golf course from sun up to sun down. So, I've devised a plan of sorts. I will spend my years of retirement traveling the countryside (or Utah county) to visit my kids and their families. I can stay for a week or two, love my grand kids, and then go home. To a quiet, clean house. To ensure we all have a fabulous time when I come to visit, I will:
1. Leave a trail of mess throughout every room in the house. Backpacks, books, homework, garbage, food, shoes, dirty socks, etc. I will let them follow me around and beg to have me clean it up. I will make sure that they have to ask me no less than 14 times before I will listen. Then I will move as SLOWLY as possible to take care of my OWN crap.
2. I will not let one meal go by where I don't spill something. The stickier and gooey-er the better. I will then just leave it there and let it be a "surprise" for whoever is doing the cleaning up. Those are the best!
3. I will communicate all my needs through a subtle whining in my voice....there is no other way to ask for something!!
4. I will not brush my teeth unless I am told to!! What a joy this will bring. And then, when I finally do traipse to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I will lovingly leave the toothpaste over every square inch of the bathroom...rugs, floor, counter, sink cabinets. To make the brushing even more fun, I will leave the toothpaste lid off (or even lose it all together) so that the sticky concoction can dry up and be virtually unusable.
5. Speaking of the bathroom, I will also make sure to always leave the toilet paper roll empty and the toilet in need of a flush. No matter what's in there.
6. I will make to to tell the chef in the house at EVERY meal that "I don't like that"....it makes for great dinner conversation! To make it even more pleasant, I will make sure that the chef knows that I'd rather eat cold cereal at every meal.
7. I will eat them out of house and home. And, I'll make to comment EVERY DAY after school that "there is NO food in this house". I'll make sure to overlook completely all the HEALTHY things that are called fruits and vegetables that are secretly hidden in the fridge. No way will I eat THAT!!
8. I will make sure that I forget to thank them for being my personal taxi driver. I'm certain that I will need rides here and there and everywhere. It won't matter that they have a bazillion miles on their car and that they will go through an entire tank of gas a week just being my personal chauffeur. No thanks needed, I'm sure!!
9. I will make sure that I leave ALL the phones in the house in my bedroom. That way, when the phone rings, no one will be able to find a phone. Not to mention that there will come a point when all the batteries inside the phones will die and will eventually stop ringing all together. They'll have to just make do until they accidentally run across a phone and then wait 7-10 hours to USE the phone again because the batteries need to be re-charged. So, if I hide them all over the house, they won't have to answer any messages. Ever. I'm doing them a favor, really.
10. I will be certain to use every towel they own. Once. Then, to make the experience even better, I will leave them in a heap in the bathroom or on my bedroom floor so that by the time they get around to actually hunting down all the towels, they smell like mildew and fungus.
They're going to LOVE me to come and visit...don't you think???
Brielle Gymnastics
8 years ago
10 comments:
Every time I read this stuff from you, I wonder.....why don't we live closer and why don't we get together more often? Srsly....u crack me up!
You!...girl have a knack for written word. Maybe it's time for them each to have a night they're in charge of dinner and get to see how fun and easy it is to please EVERYBODY and maybe the cupboards really SHOULD be empty one day after school. That should get their attention??
My only advice is to only stay one week. You may get on their nerves if you do all these things every day for 2 weeks.
You gave me a good laugh! Seriously, you should publish some of these blog entries. You really capture what it is to be a mother. I love it!
Here's another:
They'll probably have little ones (i.e. lots of toys) by the time you retire, so be sure to dump every toy box/storage tub out on the floors of every room - preferably after they've cleaned up after #'s 1, 2 & 10. That way, as they're killing their feet from stepping on metal cars/Polly Pockets, they'll have something to remind them of you when you're gone.
I love it. It makes me wonder if my mother really cleaned up after me as much as much as I clean up after my own kiddos!
Dear Erin, you were a model child, so I'm sure you never did any of these things to your own mother! I feel your pain, but I can tell you that an empty house is a very lonely house. I've often threatened to go to my kids' homes and spill grape juice on the carpet. Hang in there. And I really enjoy your stories, they are so entertaining. Love ya!
Were you secretly hiding in my house? LOL cause you surely described it to a tee!!
You are too funny! I know which blog to read when I need a good laugh! I can so relate to the "I don't like that" as my kids do it all the time w/the meals I make. And God forbid I try to make a new recipe!!
The great thing is you won't have to do any of those things, because they'll crazily decide to have children of their own and you can laugh the whole time you're visiting because their kids are doing everything to them that they did to you.
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